February 12, 2010
THE TALE # 39 - The Circle of FEAR!
It was 3 a.m. It had been a long day. A cold February day in 2004. My class and work load was nuts but I was happy for the business, but all day long underneath my upbeat persona, I was nervous. I could feel something in my right hip. It wasn't Baby Ken, it was... how the heck can I explain this...
It was Evil.
I could feel a tingle in my quad during my Bodyshaping class. Then as I was driving I could feel a burning in my hip flexor which radiated into my lower back. And with that came this weird sense of almost nauseousness, as if I was about to woof my cookies but I somehow couldn't.
I awoke at 3 a.m. Maybe 15 seconds and then
WHAM! AHHHH! FUCK!
My right hip flexor almost popped into a spasm. I folded into a fetal position, my body starting to shake.
OH DAMN OH DAMN OH DAMN!!!
I crawled out of bed and into the living room. The fire from earlier in the night was now just an ember.
My hip was now on fire.
I crawled to my Yoga trunk and I pulled out a Yoga strap, two orange Yoga blocks and my Yoga mat. I rolled out my mat, rolled onto it, and took the Yoga strap and hooked it over my right foot. I extended my right leg towards the ceiling, and the madness began...
I started to feel something, something really bad. I slowly started to circle my leg using the strap to release tension in my hips. As I circled my head started to shake right and left as if I was saying no, and my left leg started to hop up and down.
Something was happening to me...then... back then... when I was so helpless.
Damn! What is it? What the hell is it?
I pulled my right leg into my chest, my ribcage was bouncing up and down. My breath labored.
WHAT IS THiS?
I extended my leg once more up towards the ceiling, and circled it using the strap.
I suddenly felt scared as if someone was coming to get me. Someone in the woods, I was in the woods, and someone - the dark man - was hunting me, like I was his prey, his toy, his sick delight. In my mind's eye in my hip's eye in my real eyes I could see something, something I wasn't supposed to see but if I looked now now now now I might just see it.
Oh don't look KEN, don't look!
I was cold. It was dark and as my leg circled in an attempt to release my hip, I simply watched. I had been here before and now I was back but this time it was BIG, a mack daddy of FEAR.
Oh no, not now, that was a long time ago... Please not now.
My head started to jerk side to side, and tears streamed from my eyes. I couldn't make it out. What was it? It was dark and in the woods, the woods down behind the houses across the street that we would hike through on the way to the Mill Pond. Why was the Dark Man after me? Who was he? And what happened there? Why have I hidden it in my hips?
I circled and i cried and I felt the FEAR, the Fear of the Boogeyman in the closet and the FEAR that the Giant Ants would soon come to town and eat everyone. And then, there was the fear of being murdered.
The Dark Man was holding me down. He was going to hurt me, I couldn't get away, oh please help me someone God Satan Superman Batman Green Lantern Mom Dad Bro Mike the Police the fucking Police help me help me he is going to hurt me.
I circle my leg, I shake and I cry.
The veil is too dark.
I can't see.
Will I ever know?
February 14, 2010
THE TALE # 40 - Saved by BABY KEN!
It was June, 2004. It had been almost a year living with the people in my hips. I was DONE with therapists so I focused on my Yoga work with Douglass. We met at least once a week, diving into the weird energy that had somehow lodged itself in my body, and I would bounce and cry and bounce and cry, but the truth of the matter was, I wasn’t getting better. The People in my Hips had taken over my life.
It was a Sunday afternoon and I was driving on my way to Walmart in Mohegan Lake to do some shopping. The route I took to Mohegan Lake required that I pass through my old home town of Yorktown Heights where I grew up. I had driven this route by myself on many occasions and there was never a problem, but this particular Sunday afternoon things were different.
As I drove down Rt 202 through Yorktown, I wasn’t alone.
DON’T GO THERE! GET AWAY! Don’t go there! GET AWAY!
Oh hell, it was a little voice in my head screaming at me?
DON’T GO THERE! GET AWAY! Don’t go there! GET AWAY!
I quickly pulled into the Staples parking lot and pulled over and parked.
What the hell is going on!
My body was shaking and my head was bouncing side to side.
Stay away from that house. Run away! Don’t go there!
I pushed back my seat back, lay back flat, shook and wept hysterically for 30 minutes. A little voice screaming in my ear:
Don’t go there!
And it wasn’t referring to WALMART.
Baby Ken was telling me not to go near my old house in Yorktown where I lived as a child for there was DANGER there.
If I went there, I would be hurt. I would be hurt…
…by the Dark Man.
It was 40 years later.
40 years after whatever had happened.
40 years later and a scared little voice had somehow embodied me, and then stopped me, forcing me to cry, and shake for 30 minutes in my little green Honda Civic.
The house where I grew up was only a mile away.
Somehow, in some crazy way, Baby Ken, was keeping me safe.
A half hour later, I pulled my crying self together and drove to Walmart without further psychotic communications.
That night, I called Dr. Freud.
February 15, 2010
The Tale # 41 - The First Meeting with Dr. Freud
I was referred to Dr. Bryan Freud by a friend of my ex- girlfriend. His real name isn’t Freud - I have changed his name for Client/Doctor Confidentiality. I called him the night of the Baby Ken car scream event. I really needed help.
Bryan Freud was about 38, well-dressed, handsome, slightly balding and extremely personable. I immediately felt at home with him. On his computer, I showed him the DVD of my first baby Ken encounter where I flew around the chair. He had never seen anything like it. Oh boy.
I spent the rest of the session filling him in on the whole crazy evolution of THE PEOPLE IN MY HIPS. We set up an appointment for the following Friday and I Ieft.
I walked around the corner to the Starbucks on 41st and Broadway, ordered a Grande Mocha, and found a table in the corner by the window. As I sat sipping my coffee, gazing out at the hustle and bustle of Manhattan I thought to myself:
“Why me? Why did this happen to me? Out of all the people in the world, why was I cursed with People in my Hips? There were a million stories in this naked city, and somehow for some bizarre reason I was cursed with this one."
And then I thought about someday curing myself and telling this tale.
Sitting there, nursing my coffee, gazing out into Times Square, I quietly wept, as a million stories danced by.
THE TALE #42 - THERAPY AND THE CAMERA!
I had a hard time with therapy. It is not that Dr. Freud wasn’t good. No, he was an extraordinary consultant and member of my People in the Hips team. I just couldn’t understand how TALKING could free me from The People in my Hips. How could words - the expression of- and the emotions that I would be feeling in session get this crazy energy out of my hips? It didn’t seem possible.
Our first sessions were interesting. Dr Freud was really good at creating rapport, and I certainly felt more or less at ease with him, but part of me was holding back. I could feel that I wasn’t really talking deep, if that makes any sense. I would joke, babble about my cramping, but I really wasn’t zooming in on the issue.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME AS A CHILD?
So in our sessions, there was little shaking, sometimes some cramping but no bouncing up and down, and no Baby Ken. I was avoiding it all. It wasn’t safe. It just wasn’t safe. Was it because Dr. Freud was a man? I don’t know. But I didn’t feel safe. So somehow I held it all in.
Somedays I would actually leave his office and then begin to shake. Bizarre!
So, in therapy I didn’t really talk deep. I just touched the surface. What the heck was I doing? I was paying for this, and I HAD TO GET THE PEOPLE OUT OF MY HIPS!
And then I had an idea. What if I could film my therapy sessions? If I could film them, I would feel safe for they would be documented, and Baby Ken loved performing for the camera - he would do it three or four times a week when I filmed myself doing my nightly Yoga practice. This could be an opening, and in some crazy way, it would be fun.
So I asked Dr. Freud if I could bring my video camera into session. He was weird about it at first but I told him I would just be filming myself, so he conceded.
I was thrilled. Who gets to film real live therapy sessions? This is amazing!
And then I thought:
“And someday, when I am cured I will show one of these clips on OPRAH!”
Here is a short segment from one of our therapy sessions that is really quite interesting.
February 17, 2010
THE TALE #43 - PERSPECTIVE IS A GIFT!
So as many of you know, just recently I messed up my back and I have been battling with severe Sciatic Nerve Pain going on 18 days now, keeping me locked up in this apartment, basically unable to walk more than 30 seconds.
It has been challenging, but to be honest, I know what this is, so I can deal with it. Yes, I am challenged by fatigue, and by being loopy from the drugs, and I am challenged by the pain.
BUT AT LEAST I AM NOT BEING ATTACKED BY THE PEOPLE IN MY HIPS.
Follows is a video from when the People in my Hips first manifested. In this video, I have two straps on my feet and I am stretching my inner thighs and hamstrings. The camera only shows my head and upper body, but what you are about to see is HORRENDOUS as old FEELINGS are attacking my body, and I courageously am trying to find some way to release them. I cry in great pain, I scream in agony and I keep going trying to release the crazy wild energy that was attacking me.
So I have been on Bedrest for 18 days. At least, I am free of the HELL I once housed in my body.
This is not for the weak of heart. It has given me some true perspective on my present condition.
I will be fine.
Let me know what you think of this...
FEBRUARY 26, 2010
THE TALE #44 - Creating your past in your present!
Therapy got really painful. Not just emotionally, but physically. More times than not, my hip would literally cramp up right after working privately with Douglass on my way to see Dr. Freud. Since I started filming my therapy sessions, I think the Baby Ken part of me, got scared. Scared that he would now have to relive the horrifying experiences that he had hidden or purposefully had forgotten. And to be honest, I too was getting scared. I was fascinated by the filming process, but what was coming out in therapy was absolutely nuts. (I am going through new therapy footage that I will post this week.) It was like a Baby Ken let’s let it all out Bouncefest. My head would vibrate back and forth like a Washing machine on steroids. I would suddenly cry this high pitched and bizarre cry out of nowhere and my left leg would bounce up and down.
One day when I arrived at therapy, my hip was so locked up that I couldn’t sit. So I stood, half-crunched in fear, trying to work it all out. Even now when I think about it, I was SOOOOOOOOOO messed up, but often in life, in order to heal, one needs to get to that total whacked out place in order to return to normal.
“Sometimes you have to go a very long distance out of your way in order to come back a short distance correctly” - Edward Albee
“You have got to help me! I’m in crazy crazy pain. I have fucking people in my hips. And it hurts. I need to get better. I gotta get better. ” I screamed at Dr. Freud.
“I can see you do. When did all this happen?” he responded softly.
“When did all this happen? It is happening now. I am in pain. I am being attacked from my past, and I have to get this out of me!”
“I can see you do.”
“Well, help me. I need some help. Hypnotize me or something, but I have got to do something. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I just can’t.”
“I don’t need your understanding I NEED YOUR HELP!” I screamed.
I was in reactive mode. I was not in the present moment. This was some old FEELING that was taking over my “now,” that I was “assigning” to Dr. Freud - making him out to be the cause for he, up to this point, had been unable to cure me. (As if a therapist actually cures someone - Hello! We cure ourselves. A therapist simply leads and facilitates. We make the connections and make the choice to heal.)
“YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!”
“Where do you think all this stems from?” Dr. Freud asked.
“FROM MY HIPS! FROM MY HIPS!” The people in my hips were taking over. I was somehow trapped in some old scenario, screaming for what seemed like my life.
Needless to say, our session was less than productive, but that night, as I lay in bed, trying to figure out what the heck was going on, the metaphor, the old feeling, the belief system which was working on me, like the ghost of Christmas past, suddenly became clear.
I was begging DR. Freud to help me, much like I must have begged my father and/or the DARK MAN to stop hurting me. I had made some sort of mental transference associating Dr. Freud (a male authority figure) with the male abusers in my past, blaming him for my hip pain and all the other known and unknown pain from my past. The old pain appeared in my hips, I assigned it to the present moment - to Dr. Freud, and then responded as if the old feelings were real.
A feeling comes out of my body from my past. I assign it to the present moment, and respond as if it is real, using my reality (how I assigned it) to validate it.
This is very heady stuff, but can you see how we do this all the time in our lives, in relationships, at work, with our families? A feeling arises in our bodies - is triggered by some present day trigger, and then we place that feeling on our world and then justify it to be true and respond accordingly which validates it further. No wonder we have problems in our personal relationships. Often we aren’t even responding to what is really happening in the present moment, we are responding to OUR PAST.
This has been the biggest gift of my people in my hips experience. I know now that my feelings are not my reality. They are just my feelings. Yes, sometimes they sneak in and try to color my reality, but for the most part now, I stand guard and challenge any feeling based reality my unconscious mind may be trying to create.
Maybe therapy works.
FEBRUARY 26, 2010
THE TALE #45 - THERAPY WITH DR. FREUD
Here is some disturbing and very cool video from one of my sessions with DR. FREUD.
Check it out!
Monday March 1, 2010
THE TALE #46 - More Therapy with Dr. Freud!
Check it out!
Tuesday March 2, 2010
THE TALE #47
ASTOUNDING BOUNCING THERAPY with DR. FREUD
What can I say about this? It is remarkable. Thank God that STUFF is no longer manifesting in my consciousness or my body!
Now, I don't want to pat myself on the back, but Gosh Darnit, I was pretty courageous. This is wild stuff.
Thursday March 4, 2010
THE TALE #48 - AMAZING PTSD THERAPY WITH DR. FREUD.
A video speaks a thousand words.
Friday March 5, 2010
THE TALE #49 - SHAKING YOGA with DOUGLASS STEWART
Here is a quick clip of some of my SHAKING Yoga work with Douglass when I was in the middle of my People in my Hips adventure. Despite my affliction at the time, it was utterly awesome to work with this incredible Yogi and mensch of a man. If it wasn't for Douglass, I honestly wouldn't be here today. I am honored to have worked with him. Check it out. I will be posting more Douglass Yoga soon.
Monday March 8, 2010
THE TALE # 50 - Living with the People in my Hips!
The wild part of my journey is that I was literally living with the People in my Hips for 3 years. From 2003 - 2006, 3 very long years of my life I had to deal with this crazy crazy whatever it was in me that would in a instant turn my life upside down.
I continued to see Douglass and Dr. Freud at least once a week. Usually on Fridays, I would meet Douglass at a rented studio on 37th St. and 8th Ave where we with Yoga would explore the very bizarre energy in my body. Some days I would show up and I would feel fine, until we began our Yoga, when all of a sudden, demons from the darkest depths of hell would suddenly manifest in my body causing me to cry and bounce around my Yoga mat. Other times I would show up at our session a total mess. My hip may have locked up the night before in my sleep, or on the train on the way down to the city, but the pain and the unknown fear would be present in my Pre-Yoga state, almost as if, whatever horrendous event my body was remembering, was literally living in my body and attacking me again. Douglass would know the moment he saw me where I was physically and emotionally and he, intuitively, would respond accordingly.
Sometimes he would just start by cradling my head in his hands and moving my head gently side to side, as my body jumped around. Other times, he would intuitively, press on points on my back as I was resting in a restorative posture. At times I would also intuitively tell him what I thought I needed - (i.e “press here” or “can we do this asana?” or “lift my left leg and shake it.”) It was this wild and beautiful healing Yoga dance. Most of the time, I would feel better when we finished, but sometimes the emotion and the fear which manifested as we did Yoga would stick with me like … a scary old …friend. Yes, like a friend. I was so familiar with the fear now we were like buddies, yet the fear had no face and no name. Did I need to see the face, hear the name in order to be cured? I had no idea.
After Yoga, I would go to Starbucks order a Mocha Latte and a large chocolate chip cookie, then I would go to Godiva next door and order a huge coconut macaroon. Somehow bingeing on sweets helped keep the People in my Hips at bay.
And then it was off to Dr. Freud on 42nd and Broadway, to process the Peeps in therapy, often, as you saw on the videos, with the help of Baby Ken.
When I look at these therapy videos, where Baby Ken and I talk with Dr. Freud, I am still amazed. It has been a little over 3 years since Baby Ken and his friend The DARK MAN were literally living in my hips and my consciousness. I am so thankful they have been relegated to the past where they belong. But when I watch the videos, it still scares me for I never ever want to go back there. Yes, one cannot control people and situations outside of oneself, but I was unable to control people and situations INSIDE myself. As I mentioned to Dr. Freud on one of the previous videos, all my life I went to therapy to deal with people and things outside of myself. Here, in therapy with Dr. Freud, I was dealing with people and things INSIDE myself that I could not control. And that is damned scary.
My weekly ritual was this. Everyday when I came home from work, I would do my Yoga practice where I would bounce and cry. Sometimes I would break out the video camera and film it, other times I would just experience it.
Then I would take a hot bath for 30 minutes or so and climb into bed, sometimes watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD or the first couple of seasons of ALIAS.
Fridays I would see Douglass and then Dr. Freud and then take the train home in time to watch Stargate on TV hoping to distract myself from whatever came up in the hours before. Often, I would just cry myself to sleep, and most of the time I didn’t even know what I was crying about.
What kept me going was my doggedly determined obsession with curing myself and someday helping others with this knowledge. What also kept me going was the fact that I could not live my life this way. I needed my life back. I wanted normalcy. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted all of this to go away and stay away so that I could get on with my life.
But it wasn’t going anywhere.
The People in my Hips had moved in.