THE TALE #19 & THE PLAY #4 - (Real!) Rubbing Coconut Oil on my Body?

So I decided I needed to do EVERYTHING in my power to fix myself, to release this crazy energy and get back to a normal life.

My older sister Cathy is a psychologist so I called  her and left a message saying I was having some emotional issues asking her to refer me to a good therapist.  I also called ALEXANDER HAND, the head guru at BeYoga, who led some of my Teacher Training classes and I set up a private session with him.

(From The Play - The People in my Hips by Ken Wolf)

(Please know I changed the names and some of the dialogue for the play, but this is the essence of what really happened. This actually takes place a couple days before my bouncing child-self adventure (THE TALE #15.) and the video at bottom takes place a day before.)

(Enter right and sit on center box, face out front responding to voice overs)


(Voiceover) Alexander: Hello, have a seat on the fusia Yoga mat on the floor, and I will be right with you.

Ken: Sure. Thanks.


Alexander:  (answers) Alexander Hand.  … No, I really can’t talk now I am going into session…no, …. No,….. No,  I don’t fucking care what the insurance company says :  We are not libel.  I won’t pay a cent, not a bloody red cent to that imbecile. He was the one who stuck his foot in his mouth …..I will be right with you.

Ken: Ok, thanks.

Alexander:  Feel free to meditate while you wait.

Ken: That’s ok. I’m fine.

Alexander (on phone)  ….no, absolutely not.  We will not pay one cent to that pseudo-YOGI.  His teeth will be fine.  We are not responsible.  I am busy. I will call you later.  NAMASTE!  So how can I help you?

Ken:  Well, I have been having some problems in my hips.

Alexander:  Second Chakra Svadisthana:  the Lesson the RIGHT TO FEEL.  Having emotional problems?

Ken: Yeah, sort of?

Alexander:  Well, sit, close your eyes and breathe.

(Ken does so.) 

What do you feel?

(Ken shakes.)  

Oh see that, you are blocked.   AT YOUR HEART CHAKRA - ANAHATA - THE LESSON - the right to love.

You need to forgive someone.

Ken: uh huh?

Alexander: You are experiencing the classic PITA imbalance.  Yoga prescription: Slow, silent practice every day, and each night before you go to bed, rub coconut oil over your entire body.  

Ken: What?

Alexander:  RUB COCONUT Oil over your entire body before you go to bed.  It will help balance your pita. That and the forgiveness.  Now let’s do some MOOBEE Points on your back to help balance your energy.

Ken: MOOBEE points?

Alexander:  Yes, energy points that I discovered intuitively.  I never studied MOOBEE I just knew.  They should help balance your imbalance, that and the coconut oil.  

I took off my shirt and lay on a small portable massage table in the room.  Alexander then proceeded to press on certain points on my back, …..then and the room started to spin. 

I am sorry.  I can’t act this one out.

(Cue lights and sound walk to vomitorium)

I was somehow transported back in time again. It was dark, so so dark,  I was being held down, I was scared so scared, someone, the dark man was holding me down, a dark man was hurting me, my right leg started to kick violently, I tried to hold in a tortured scream but I couldn’t, my entire body began to shake as Alexander continued to press on my back and neck, I wanted to yell out please stop please stop stop but part of me was hoping that whatever he was doing on my back would heal me.  The past was NOW NOW NOW NOW HELP and I was somehow trapped in it HELP fighting for HELP my life…….


Alexander: There you go.  That will be $175 dollars.  Please make your check out to Cash. And don’t forget the COCONUT OIL.

(Ken walks over, left of TV and presses remote.)




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