NowToday #23 - A Needle in my Spine is enlightening..
I am being rolled down on a Hospital gurney on the way to the OR. I have my Iphone video camera on filming the lights going by, thinking to myself, “Wow, this is going to be some really cool footage." (Regretfully, there was a malfunction and it didn’t film.) I am talking with the attendant pushing me.
“Wouldn’t it be cool if I got Super Powers from this steroid injection? I would love that.”
The attendant laughs and continues to push.
It’s funny. I feel no fear, sort of like DAREDEVIL, THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR, except I am not blind. No fear. I know I am going to be fine.
I am wheeled into a waiting area. Next to me, is an 80 year old Jewish woman who is crying. Across from me is a crippled African American woman, all bent, crooked.
“I HAVE NO PROBLEMS.” I think to myself.
“Doctor, please please, when am I going to go? “ The woman next to me moans to a Doctor walking by. “I am in so much pain I can’t stand it.”
“Don’t worry, soon.” The doctor replies softly.
I feel bad for the woman next to me who from this point in this story I am going to call Gladys. Hopefully Gladys will go before me, if not I will ask them to put her through first. I HAVE NO PROBLEMS. Plus, I am feeling like Daredevil, the Man without Fear.
“Oh God, please!” Gladys moans. “I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it.”
I whisper to her, “Don’t worry. You will be fine They are excellent here."
Gladys is silent.
I guess I can do no good here.
Time passes. Gladys moans, cries and sweats. I lie here breathing, noticing, thanking God that I am in no worse shape. My leg just hurts. Thank God.
A nurse walks over to Gladys.
“Hello, I am Rosa, I will be your nurse for this procedure. I just need to ask you some questions, have you sign some forms and then we will take you in.”
“THANK GOD!” yells Gladys. “I am in so much pain. I just have to get this over with. I am so scared! I am so scared. ”
“Don’t worry we will get to you in soon.” Rosa replies gently and proceeds to ask Gladys all the official questions.
And then, I am amazed. For someone who wants so desperately to get into her procedure, Gladys starts being an angry bitch. It is difficult to get her info on her allergies, her diabetes, her medications etc. and etc. What would have been 3 minutes is easily turning into 10 minutes. I am mortified for a moment, and then I see it. Gladys is in pain. I am sure she is thinking “Why are you wasting my time with these dumb questions when I need to get OUT of PAIN? HELP ME! HELP ME!
“So do you have any pre-existing conditions?” Rosa asks.
“Yes, of course, I AM PREGNANT. Can’t you tell?” Gladys moans back.
“And I am the father!” I chime in trying to help.
“AND WE ARE HAVING TWINS!” Gladys exclaims with a smile.
There is laughter. A brief respite from the pain and the fear.
Gladys begins to cry.
I have no problems.
My doctor comes over and explains the process of the steroid injection. I ask questions about all. I feel safe with him. He is smart. Confident. He’s my man.
I am rolled into the OR. Sheila, my attending nurse for the procedure introduces herself to me. She is incredibly attractive, thin, dark, latin. Oh boy, and now I have to show her my 52 year old crippled ass. What fun!
She asks me to pull down my pants and roll over on to the operating table. This is so not fair. Why couldn’t I get the FAT nurse with the hairlip? NO, I get the hot latin nurse, who gets to see me at my worse.
But I have no problems.
I roll onto the table, on my stomach. This is hard for I have not been on my stomach in 19 days, since my injury because I just couldn’t. There is some pain, but I stuff it down for Sheila so I am not completely unattractive. Oy, the male ego.
My Doctor enters and informs me that they need to do a Catscan first to find the exact best place to insert the needle into my spine. I stay fascinated, away from fear. Fascination is a wonderful antidote for fear.
“Ok, Let’s do it.” I exclaim.
I am slid into the CATSCAN machine. It hums. I lay there. It is fine. A cakewalk compared to the living hell of my MRI two weeks earlier.
I am slid out.
“Ok, now we are going to insert the needle. You will feel some pain at first, but not much and then you will simply feel pressure running down you leg.”
He pushes the needle in.
OOO, that hurts, but I will be fine I tell myself, and then I smile. I don’t know where I got this crazy upbeat optimism, probably from the People in my Hips.
And then...I begin to giggle. I am not kidding. I haven’t been able to walk in 3 weeks, and now, I am lying on my stomach with a hot latin nurse staring at my crippled old ass with a needle in my SPINE pumping steroids into my seriously deconditioned body, and I actually am having fun. Have I lost it?
Or is what I am experiencing now a gift from God.
I choose Gift from God.
I am not Gladys, and I will never be. Most people look at the problems, but miraculously I almost automatically look for solutions now. I have learned how to be amazingly present in most situations though my Yoga practice and my Peeps journey, and each day I let more and more drama out of my life and my consciousness.
Yes, it is a god darned wonderful gift from God. I once tortured me. I don’t do it anymore. Even with a Hot Latin nurse staring at my sorry ass with a needle in my spine.
I feel the steroid oozing down my leg. There is some pressure.
“Are you alright?” my doctor asks.
“Never been better.”
Five minutes later, I am done. Wow, that was easy.
I am rolled off on to the hospital gurney. I purposefully avoid eye contact when I thank Sheila. She saw my 52 year old crippled ass. I am not that evolved.
The attendant rolls me out. On the way to the waiting room, I see my spiritual teacher Gladys on a table in front of a Catscan machine in another room. I wish her peace.
In the waiting room, I am given some information on what’s next, and then in 15 minutes, I am free.
We absolutely create our personal reality by our thoughts and the meaning that we give to things and events. We may not create our circumstances 100% - there is some random chaos in life.
But we absolutely create our personal reality.
So the next time, you have a hot latin nurse staring at your 52 year old crippled ass with a needle in your spine...
remember to smile.