The Tale # 58 - The Gym
One of the ways that I managed the People in my Hips was to go to the Gym, get on my "Stretch Machine" which was this tall, multi-handled THING, and hang upside down, sideways, etc. and etc. As I STRETCHED, my body and head would shake like a jack hammer and I would pretend like it was normal. My favorite stretch was hanging by my feet, with my hands on two bars below me, and then, arching my back to stretch into my famous hip flexors. My head would always vibrate side to side at the speed of light. It was so bizarre.
Other times, I would hang by my arms and slowly sit back on to my bended knees. This would hurt like hell, and of course, my head would vibrate. From a distance, it looked like, I was tied and bound and someone was coming to get me, as I shook my head "NO."
As I write this now, I see what an interesting metaphor that is. And Damn scary. I can feel it now. A little bit of the fear of THE DARK MAN. It is far away and in the past, but that metaphor reminds me of that darkness.
It is one of the reasons I am writing this PEEPS blog in such detail. By naming my experience, I empower myself.
By keeping it locked up, THE DARK MAN and my dark past own me.
Granted, I am not bouncing now. I am not communicating with abused boys locked up in my hips. I am doing really well. But there are times like now, that I remember the little bit of fear, in the dark corner of my mind, that I would feel all the time for most of my life which I assigned to THE PRESENT MOMENT. So in that time period, the past was adjusting my behavior. Making me frightened of things that there was no reason to be frightened of. It was just old stuff, that I thought lived in the present.
Everyday, if I stay out of my past, it is basically safe. It is like that for most of us. Life is mostly safe.
We need to trust it and cherish in the moments of joy and safety. And not believe in the hypnotic trances of the past.
One day, when I was in the midst of the Peeps, I was at the Gym and I had just finished my jack hammer stretching and was walking back to the locker room. As I was walking I thought to myself "Who the hell is that man, that man who hurt me in my past? Was it Dad? Or someone else?
All of a sudden, I am flying four feet to my left and I slam into a wall, falling onto the floor.
"What the FUCK!"
I lay on the floor, quietly vibrating.
My memory, my fear, literally, threw me into the wall, in that present moment.
THE PAST REARED IT'S ANGRY EVIL HAND, moved into the present, and moved me!
I looked around. No one really noticed. Or if they did, they didn't come forward.
Here's the question:
If a man is thrown into a wall by a memory from the past, is he really thrown into a wall?
And if he really is thrown into a wall, is he thrown into the wall by the memory, (in my case -The Dark Man, my abuser,) or is he thrown into the wall by his reaction to a memory from the past?
And who is responsible for his reaction?
The answers to this, and other extremely heady metaphysical topics, will be explored in the blogs to come as things unfold...