The Tale # 50 - Living with The People in my Hips!
The wild part of my journey is that I was literally living with the People in my Hips for 3 years. From 2003 - 2006, 3 very long years of my life I had to deal with this crazy crazy whatever it was in me that would in a instant turn my life upside down.
I continued to see Douglass and Dr. Freud at least once a week. Usually on Fridays, I would meet Douglass at a rented studio on 37th St. and 8th Ave where we with Yoga would explore the very bizarre energy in my body. Some days I would show up and I would feel fine, until we began our Yoga, when all of a sudden, demons from the darkest depths of hell would suddenly manifest in my body causing me to cry and bounce around my Yoga mat. Other times I would show up at our session a total mess. My hip may have locked up the night before in my sleep, or on the train on the way down to the city, but the pain and the unknown fear would be present in my Pre-Yoga state, almost as if, whatever horrendous event my body was remembering, was literally living in my body and attacking me again. Douglass would know the moment he saw me where I was physically and emotionally and he, intuitively, would respond accordingly.
Sometimes he would just start by cradling my head in his hands and moving my head gently side to side, as my body jumped around. Other times, he would intuitively, press on points on my back as I was resting in a restorative posture. At times I would also intuitively tell him what I thought I needed - (i.e “press here” or “can we do this asana?” or “lift my left leg and shake it.”) It was this wild and beautiful healing Yoga dance. Most of the time, I would feel better when we finished, but sometimes the emotion and the fear which manifested as we did Yoga would stick with me like … a scary old …friend. Yes, like a friend. I was so familiar with the fear now we were like buddies, yet the fear had no face and no name. Did I need to see the face, hear the name in order to be cured? I had no idea.
After Yoga, I would go to Starbucks order a Mocha Latte and a large chocolate chip cookie, then I would go to Godiva next door and order a huge coconut macaroon. Somehow bingeing on sweets helped keep the People in my Hips at bay.
And then it was off to Dr. Freud on 42nd and Broadway, to process the Peeps in therapy, often, as you saw on the videos, with the help of Baby Ken.
When I look at these therapy videos, where Baby Ken and I talk with Dr. Freud, I am still amazed. It has been a little over 3 years since Baby Ken and his friend The DARK MAN were literally living in my hips and my consciousness. I am so thankful they have been relegated to the past where they belong. But when I watch the videos, it still scares me for I never ever want to go back there. Yes, one cannot control people and situations outside of oneself, but I was unable to control people and situations INSIDE myself. As I mentioned to Dr. Freud on one of the previous videos, all my life I went to therapy to deal with people and things outside of myself. Here, in therapy with Dr. Freud, I was dealing with people and things INSIDE myself that I could not control. And that is damned scary.
My weekly ritual was this. Everyday when I came home from work, I would do my Yoga practice where I would bounce and cry. Sometimes I would break out the video camera and film it, other times I would just experience it.
Then I would take a hot bath for 30 minutes or so and climb into bed, sometimes watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD or the first couple of seasons of ALIAS.
Fridays I would see Douglass and then Dr. Freud and then take the train home in time to watch Stargate on TV hoping to distract myself from whatever came up in the hours before. Often, I would just cry myself to sleep, and most of the time I didn’t even know what I was crying about.
What kept me going was my doggedly determined obsession with curing myself and someday helping others with this knowledge. What also kept me going was the fact that I could not live my life this way. I needed my life back. I wanted normalcy. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted all of this to go away and stay away so that I could get on with my life.
But it wasn’t going anywhere.
The People in my Hips had moved in.