The TALE # 61 - Pizza with Acupuncture

It was late July 2006.  I was a mess.  My hip energy was moving side to side, from one hip to another, and I had this weird burning sensation in my back.  I was in Marmaroneck, NY. I had just somehow made it through my morning workout classes pretending that I was OK.  I talked through most of the class without demonstrating and smiled a lot, but I was worried that at any moment my hip would lock up and I would start to shake, and my universe would explode.  I stayed HIGH ENERGY and I made it through the class.

As I was cleaning up, I knew I had to do something, and I also knew I had to EAT.  Eating was this bizarre way that I would manage my condition.  Often by pigging out on really bad unhealthy yet delicious food, somehow that child part of me, Baby Ken, or the weird energy in me would simmer down.  Usually it was sugar, usually in the form of cookies, cake or pie, but this particular day, it was PIZZA.  My wacked out inner child who was now my outer child named Baby Ken wanted PIZZA!  And not just any Pizza, Baby Ken wanted Sal’s Pizza!

Sal’s Pizza is legendary - his Sicilian Pizza is baked twice, first with the amazing sauce, and then with the abundant cheese.  The result is this utterly awesome crisp saucy cheesy slice of Heaven.  I needed some Heaven.  Baby Ken needed it too.

So that is how I ended up in Marmaroneck, NY, home to the amazing Sal’s Pizza.  I had three (count ‘em), three slices.

After my smorgasbord of Italian delight, I went for a walk down the avenue.  I was still a bit unsettled and walking often helped.

At the end of the avenue, there was a storefront with a small simple sign that read: “David Yu, Acupuncture - No appointment necessary.”  I stood for a moment in front of the store, and then a little voice inside me said “Go for it. What have you got to lose?”  I suddenly remembered when Alexander Hand did his crazy MOOBEE points on me and my world turned upside down.  What if this acupuncture freed Baby Ken?  What if the NEEDLES manifested even more of this crazy energy in me?

I walked away.  


I can’t have that happen.  No, I can’t.


I walked to the top of the hill by a parking garage, and I turned around.

Go for it.

It was that little voice.

Go for it, Ken.  The answer may lie with Dr. Yu.

I walked back and entered his storefront office.  It was a large room that used to be a Jewelry store.  Makeshift 8 foot tall cubicles lined up against one wall, all painted gray.  There was a desk up front and a small office room in the back.  Dirty gray carpeting.  No one was there.

I waited.  

5 minutes later, Dr. Yu appeared.  I don’t think he was a Doctor but calling him a doctor in my head just felt better at the time.

He was small, about 5’ 4” with jet black hair and a chiseled face.

“How may yai hep u?”

Oh no, this dude doesn’t speak English.  Hell, maybe there are Asian prostitutes in the back.  This was not a good sign.

“Um I am uh having problems in my hips. It hurts… and it’s tight.”  There was no way he would be able to understand my real story, and also no way he would ever understand my telling of it, so I kept it simple.

“I am tight here.” And I pointed to my hip flexors.

“Ok Ok, I know.  Yes, Ok go in hea please. “ He pointed to one of the cubicles.


“No ploblem.  NO Ploblem.”

“Oh yes PLOBLEM” I thought as I entered, “Oh Yes PLOBLEM!”

“Now take off shirlt and pant.  Then Yai down pleas.”

He pointed to a pink massage table.  I slowly removed my shirt and pants, and lay down on the table.

“Ok now I put needle in.  No ploblem, easy.”

Time to go back to Sal’s.  I needed PIzza, or Gelato, or anything other than NEEDLES.

He took 10 needles and put on in each of my 10 toes.  Then he placed 3 needles in each of my quads, 4 needles along my outer rib cage,  and then finally at least 8 needles in my crown of my head.

Cheeesy Heaven, please!

Then he took a lone needle and stuck it into my solar plexus. With that prick, I immediately started to cry, and hyperventilate.

Oh no no please not now not again no not again.

“You Ok?”  and then without even waiting for my response, he then attached an electrode to the pins connected to each of my pinky toes.

He is going to kill me.

“Now I turn on.  Easy for you.” He smiled.

I am going to woof my Sal’s  I know it.

Dr. Yu turned on the juice.  A light tingling sensation vibrated up my leg and then up my spine to the crown of my head.

“You Ok, good. I go away. Come back in half hour.”  And he left, just like that.

HALF HOUR?  30 whole minutes?  No No NO NO NO!  I feel like Frankenstein on Heroin.  30 minutes.  Oh no please no.

My body continued to vibrate. I started to count backwards from 100 to 1.  My toes were on fire.  I could feel energy flowing up and down my body, and the tears fell, disconnected, but still vaguely painful like a long forgotten nightmare.

89, 88, 87, 86.

I squeezed all the muscles in my face for my head started to vibrate side to side, and I was fearful that I would jam a pin through my brain if I vibrated hard enough.

76, 75, 74,   My left leg started to jump a bit. 

Oh hell, my leg is going to jump and disconnect the juice.

57, 56, 55,

There was a warm feeling in my brain. Something was happening.  How could I have a warm feeling in brain?  A brain doesn’t feel.

43, 42, 41, 40, 39

Please get me out of here, please get me out.  This is a Ploblem, a big Ploblem!

So I lay, and count, and shuttered, and vibrated.  Please God let this work!

20 minutes later, Dr. Yu appeared. He shut the juice and removed the pins. 

“How you feel?”

I stopped for a moment to take notice of what was going on in my body.  The energy in my body was moving.  My hips seemed somehow clearer, not crystal clear, but clearer.

“I feel OK.”

“Good, very good, Ok is good. Tank you!”

“Tank you too.”

I slowly got up off the massage table.  I felt better, not perfect, but better.

It was time for CAKE!

I walked down the block to Mozart’s cafe, sat at a corner table, ordered a cafe mocha, and a huge slice of Dark Chocolate cake.

A little voice inside whispered to me.


As I chomped down on my last forkful of Chocolate cake, I realized that there was something to this- maybe the solution to The People in m Hips. 


Ken WolfComment