The Roller was like a drug, a good drug, a healthy drug, but an addictive drug just the same.

I became obsessed with rolling out my Chakras/Meridians.  As I rolled, I shook and bounced, vibrated and cried a bit, but every time within 30 minutes after rolling, any pain or congestion or cramping would totally disappear.

It was a miracle. 

This silly piece of styrofoam was my saviour. Because of it I was me again. No more fear about someone yelling behind me causing to cramp up unexpectedly.  No more fear of losing my job and all income because I become a cripple from the Peeps.  No more fear about my life.

And when the cramping and congestion disappeared so would Baby Ken and The Dark Man, as if somehow they WERE that CRAMPING ENERGY, like the Black Smoke Monster from the TV show LOST.

All of a sudden, there was this opening in my life.  There was clearly possibility again, possibility to be normal again, to be just like everyone else, not a Bouncing Leper anymore.

So I lived with my Roller.  That Summer, I actually took it and Tennis balls (I would roll on the balls to release also) on a Trip to Bar Harbor, Maine.  Each morning and each night I would roll out, to insure that nothing or no one, no SMOKE MONSTER would ruin my trip or my life.  

It was a miracle.


That September, I stopped my therapy with Dr. Freud, and my one on one sessions with Douglasss.  That is when I also signed the lease on my new theatre, Manhattan Repertory Theatre, on 42nd St. in Manhattan.  Life was so so so filled with possibility now.  My old girlfriend Jen and I had recently hooked up again, and AT LAST THE WORLD WAS MY OYSTER, and boy, was I ready to eat.

I had three blissful months of rolling out normality. Building out and then producing plays in our new theatre. Meeting new people.  Passionately producing new plays in the evening, while working out and doing Yoga in classes and with private clients during the day.  When my hips or my body got tight, I would roll out, shake a bit, and then all would be normal.  It was working! Thank God, it was working!

Thank you, God.   I am normal again.

And then, one week in late December, after rolling out, the ENERGY, The SMOKE MONSTER, BABY KEN AND THE DARK MAN, wouldn’t go away.  They took over!  They took over my ENTIRE SPINE.  I would roll out, and roll out and NOTHING.  I became like a live wire channeling in EVERYTHING from my past, a million memories and feelings at once, and I knew it was old, but I could feel it and feel it and it wouldn’t go away - the energy was so strong and ever present and OH GOD NO NO NO PLEASE NO! 



I had to stay present.  I had to keep reminding myself that these CRAZY feelings were from the past.  I could not start to BELIEVE in these feelings.  They were not real, not real, not real, not real...


Here is a video from the morning of December 24, 2006, 

the day it all changed for me…


… forever.


Ken WolfComment